call this the drowning of the past...

I've always thought of myself as someone who doesn't have much motivation. I've always struggled with finding solid reasons to do things, even when i know that they have to be done, and have relied on getting the 'fear' to push me through. I always get there in the end - only academically though. With 'life choices', shall we call them, I struggle more. I've been talking about dieting and being healthy since I started puberty yet I never seem to actually do anything about it. I'm a sucker for a routine but I've never been able to get into one when it comes to eating right and exercising.

Is this being weak willed? "I just can't do it."  Or is it being stubborn? "I shouldn't have to change my body to like who I am - so I'm not going to." I'm not going to write that I WILL do this or I WILL do that. No matter how many times I write it in my diary and angrily underline it, I just don't.

Sometimes I think I cling to being overweight as a type of security blanket - I don't know any different. I was a chubby child, a chubby teenager and now I'm a chubby adult. Will I always feel like a fat girl even if by some miracle I become thin? Perhaps I've put far too much thought into the matter. I became vegetarian basically on a whim 4 years ago and I don't think I'll ever eat meat again. Maybe doing things on a whim is the way forward. Oh, what a paradox.


On the subject of 'getting fit' (I'm basically a New Year cliché) I signed up for Swimathon. I don't know if its the idea of getting fit and actually exercising that's making me excited to do it and all the training or if its the fact I'm going to be doing something for charity. Either way its a good thing. Its in April so I have time to get ready for it and hopefully I'll become better at remembering to shave my legs. Its a win-win situation all round!


(image is from this lovely flickr)